Endings, New Beginnings, and Fat Horses

The first part of this year has flown by in a sometimes terrible, but also wonderful way. I have grown so much. I have be stripped of everything I thought I knew, my plans, old support, new friends, old friends, and many old beliefs and ideas. By the beginning of March I was feeling completely lost and alone. I had know idea who I was, what I wanted, or how to move forward from where I was standing.

The only thing I could do was try and pick up one foot at a time. Even when I tripped, fell, or slid backwards; I made the decision over and over to get back up and take one step at a time. So with skinned knees and elbows, bruises and scars, I feel like I'm standing on a new summit. I am getting ready to head to Europe to work for 3 months. I am letting go of old, and somewhat new, relationships. I am practicing acceptance. I am trying to lean into the things and spaces that scare me. Relaxing and releasing rather than resisting.

In the past two months I also started drawing and writing again. Looking back at the beginning of this blog an original goal was to rediscover my creative outlets again. I am writing and creating for myself. Without expectation, and it feels amazing.

So, in an effort to do things that terrify me, here is something I wrote recently:

I won't be sorry.
You touched me and caught my body on fire.
With every breath, and sigh, and moan
I opened. Uncovering my shame and letting
light shine into the fissures in my skin.

I won't be sorry.
You pulled me through my fear into the dark,
wild and raw. Your lips poison and
honey. Dripping with what might have
been, but never will again.

I won't be sorry.
You took me to the edge of my small world,
never peeling your eyes away from mine.
Your words pulsing through my tired veins, alive.
Hungry, and wanting, and alone.

I won't be sorry.
You woke me from my slumber, then
quietly slithered away. Leaving me
breathless and panting. Your fruit full
of nectar: sour, and sweet, and true.

And a fat horse for fun: