An Exercise In Self-Sabotage: Part Two

Well, I know I promised to share my list and Rat Park construction the day after my original post on said subject, but to be honest, I suck at time management sometimes. And I was a little scared. I do this thing where when I set rules, deadlines, or expectations for myself I almost immediately break them. No sugar -- I will immediately stop at the gas station and get some candy; yoga every day -- how about I make up an excuse or just flat out refuse to do it for two weeks instead; write for fifteen minutes a day -- let's just avoid pen, paper, and anything but Facebook for the next month. I tried to tell you, I am the Queen of Self-Sabotage. I have a crown and everything. Not really. Maybe.

So, here I am almost two weeks later finally working on this exercise. Better late than never I guess!

The habits I will be focusing on are overeating, people-pleasing, and perfectionism

• Step One: Figure Out What's Really Going On (My Play-by-Play)
• Wake-up 0
• Oil-pull and brush my teeth 0
• Try and do yoga for a few minutes 4.5
• Read today's The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie entry 0
• Make green tea w/lemon or hot apple cider mix 0
• Make something for breakfast 2
• Eat breakfast 4
• Do school-work until around lunch time 4 3
• Decide what I want to do for lunch (make something or walk downtown) 5
• Eat lunch based on previous decision 5
• More homework until my husband gets home from work 3 2
• Work on a blog entry? 5 5 
• Try and do some laundry/dishes 4
• Decide what we're going to do for dinner once the husband gets home 7 3
• Make and eat dinner 6 4 4
• Find something to do that we both enjoy 7 5
• Brush teeth 0
• Get ready for bed 0
• Go to sleep 0
• Step Two: Release Yourself from the Cage
• I am going to identify a trigger here as anything over a 5. And the three questions I'll be answering for each are:
• In a perfect life, would I do this at all?
• If yes, what would I change to make it more enjoyable?
• If no, what would I rather do instead?
• Decide what to do for lunch and eating lunch
• Yes
• I could make a basic menu or plan at the beginning of the week and make sure I have options for really delicious stuff at home. I think the stress comes from feeling guilty for going out all the time for lunch, which then makes me want to overeat once I actually do sit down. Then, if what I really want is to get something from downtown, but shame myself into not going I still overeat at home because I'm not satisfied.
• I am going to allow myself to plan for two lunches a week downtown guilt-free
• Blog
• No
•  I don't think I would rather do something else instead, my stress comes from feeling like I have to write something. Once I actually start writing I really enjoy the whole process.
• I will not put deadlines or expectations on myself for this blog. I will use this as a therapeutic outlet and step away if I start placing unrealistic or unnecessary pressure on myself. 
• Decide what to do for dinner with my husband and eating with him
• Yes
• This makes me go into crazy people-pleasing mode because he can eat super unhealthy stuff (and really has no interest in anything healthy for that matter) and stay super fit. So I feel like I need to conform to what he wants and then I end up stressed and overeating food I wouldn't have made for myself
• I can get a list of meals he enjoys and make them a couple of times a week (3 maybe) while giving myself more healthy options. The other days I will commit to making things that are nutritionally dense and give him the option of partaking or not.
• Finding something to do for the rest of the night that we both want to do
• Yes
• I think even in a perfect world two people will have to plan and agree on how to spend time together, at least some of the time. 
• The problem arises in this situation because I have a tendency to forfeit my needs, wants, and self in order to make him happy. Not because he expects that from me, but because I am co-dependent and have always done this.
• Again, having a plan and options available would make this much less stressful for me. We could sit down at the beginning of the week and come up with a few options of things we both want to do individually and commit to trying to fit those things in during the week. This way, neither of us is giving up everything or forced to make all of the decisions.
• Step Three: Build Your Rat Park
• I sort broke each issue down already in the previous steps, so I'll just recap here:
• I am going to allow myself to plan for two lunches a week downtown guilt-free
• I will not put deadlines or expectations on myself for this blog. I will use this as a therapeutic outlet and step away if I start placing unrealistic or unnecessary pressure on myself. 
• I can get a list of meals he enjoys and make them a couple of times a week (3 maybe) while giving myself more healthy options. The other days I will commit to making things that are nutritionally dense and give him the option of partaking or not.
• Sit down at the beginning of the week and come up with a few options of things we both want to do individually and commit to trying to fit those things in during the week. This way, neither of us is giving up everything or forced to make all of the decisions.

So, there you have it! I have to say, deciding to go to school full-time, and reducing my expenses to a extremely bare minimum has allowed me so much freedom and inadvertently removed triggers I probably wasn't aware of before now. I am so grateful for where I'm at in my life right now.

I would love to hear about any breakthroughs you might have experienced working through this exercise!