I have a bit of an obsession with defining words, ideas, expectations, boundaries, etc. So I want to start this blog off by exploring what honesty means in the context of my life and this blog.
Honesty to me is a process of constantly meeting ourselves where we are - right now - with an attitude of openness and love in a quest to seek out truth and accept reality as it really is at that moment. It is a pathway to understanding, acceptance, and growth.
I do not believe in "brutal honesty." Honesty and truth should never be wielded as a weapon. If our intention is to hurt someone (or and especially ourselves), prove we are right or better, or force someone else out of our perception of their denial we are not really seeking honesty. Our interaction with ourselves and the world around us will be clouded with negative emotions, which in my opinion does not allow true honesty to exist.
Understanding, learning, curiosity should be the driving forces behind our search.
In the past I have approached honesty in every negative way imaginable. Snooping, blaming, condemning, denial, minimizing. None of these tactics ever lead to true acceptance, understanding or growth, but instead further broke down trust in others and in myself.
I have been with my husband for nearly ten years, three and half of which we have been married. We met in high school, and not surprisingly went through multiple break ups before getting married. Due to my own insecurities and fears, both of our immaturity and inexperience, and his poor choices I found myself in a compulsive pattern of snooping through his personal belongings.
This pattern has nearly destroyed our relationship, and never, not once has brought me truth, understanding, growth; much less, any degree of peace or security in myself or my marriage. Yet, every time I sat down at his computer with shaking hands and my heart pounding out of my chest I was convinced I was in the right. I was going to find the truth one way or another even if that meant completely disregarding any semblance of privacy, and destroying my own self-worth in the process. I would dig and dig until I found some sort of "evidence" to prove that he couldn't be trusted. In the end I was left feeling ashamed, empty, and completely alone and unloved. And very rarely because I actually found anything of any real consequence, but more so because of my own behavior.
Flash-forward to now, and I have learned so much by exploring my own behavior and motives. I have chosen to focus on the only thing I have control over, myself and my actions. What I've learned so far is the "truth" I was actually seeking was to find ways to support several beliefs that I am now choosing to approach with openness rather than judgement:
What does honesty mean to you? How have you used honesty in the past and how has that affected you and your relationships?
I have been with my husband for nearly ten years, three and half of which we have been married. We met in high school, and not surprisingly went through multiple break ups before getting married. Due to my own insecurities and fears, both of our immaturity and inexperience, and his poor choices I found myself in a compulsive pattern of snooping through his personal belongings.
This pattern has nearly destroyed our relationship, and never, not once has brought me truth, understanding, growth; much less, any degree of peace or security in myself or my marriage. Yet, every time I sat down at his computer with shaking hands and my heart pounding out of my chest I was convinced I was in the right. I was going to find the truth one way or another even if that meant completely disregarding any semblance of privacy, and destroying my own self-worth in the process. I would dig and dig until I found some sort of "evidence" to prove that he couldn't be trusted. In the end I was left feeling ashamed, empty, and completely alone and unloved. And very rarely because I actually found anything of any real consequence, but more so because of my own behavior.
Flash-forward to now, and I have learned so much by exploring my own behavior and motives. I have chosen to focus on the only thing I have control over, myself and my actions. What I've learned so far is the "truth" I was actually seeking was to find ways to support several beliefs that I am now choosing to approach with openness rather than judgement:
- that I am unloveable
- that everyone will eventually disappoint me and hurt me
- that ultimately I am broken, and will consequently never be enough
Now, I am gathering the skills to first recognize that these beliefs exist, then to question whether they are true and serving me in a way that is helpful and useful at this point in my life. Rather than blaming my husband and attacking him with my skewed idea of the truth I am now turning towards myself in an effort to understand my own beliefs and find ways to become the person I want to be right now
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What does honesty mean to you? How have you used honesty in the past and how has that affected you and your relationships?
