Divorce for Christmas?

I just need to write tonight. There are plenty of details I will skip and forget, but they aren't important. As I sit in this house, the first space that really feels like my own, I feel infinitely sad. I am sad for the loss of a friend because no matter how civil we try to be, this will not end nicely. I am sad because regardless of how little he was giving, I felt happy and hopeful for the first time in a long time. I am sad because I know it is really over this time. There is no going back. This is a pattern, not a mistake. I am sad because I feel used and taken advantage of by someone I really loved and desperately wanted to trust.

This sadness keeps threatening to drown me. Take me under. Sometimes it seems easier that way. To just disappear into the thick, blackness. Strangely, in spite of everything, I feel excited. I feel excited to start over. For the first time in my adult life I will not have to make decisions and coordinate with another person. A part of me wants to rage about how I sacrificed and gave everything for him and our marriage. I lost myself. I want to blame him, but I can make different choices now.

This is an opportunity to really learn who I am, what I want to contribute to the world. I can choose to be a victim. To be angry and swallowed up in sadness and self-pity. I can also choose to be grateful for all of the lessons I learned from him and because of our relationship. I can choose to learn from my choices. I can use this as an exercise in taking responsibility for my part, for my life and how I experience the world.

I know I am ranting, but I needed to share before I imploded. We have been spending time together the last couple of days (like we inevitably do after a break-up) and now I am sitting here on the couch, pretending like I'm not waiting for him to come home from his three hour trip to the gym. I have been waiting for ten years. He doesn't know how to show up.

Blackened Salmon and Not Self-Destructing After Eating McDonald's

Life has been a bit crazy the past few weeks. I'm a new Aunt to a beautiful baby boy for starters, so I spent quite a bit of time in Florida trying to help my brother and the new baby get settled. Little Man was a bit early and barely over 4 lbs, so he spent about two weeks in NICU. He is safe and sound at home, growling and gurgling strange noises at all times of the day and night like a creep. Just like his dad if you ask me...

Spending time with my family back in Florida was really wonderful, but man did I fall far from the healthy track when it came to eating and exercising. Fast food, candy, soda... things I haven't really had in well over a year. Partially because of stress and also just a lack of time and options like I have at home (staying with other people leaves you at their mercy sometimes when it comes to food). Of course, these are all just nice sounding excuses. I could have gone grocery shopping, said no to the really unhealthy stuff, etc.

Yet, here we are a week and a half of not-so-great food choices (and did I mention I only exercised once) and I didn't die. I didn't gain 20 lbs. I am not beating myself up. That feels pretty great actually. Rather than spiraling into a self-loathing binge of hateful words ("You always end up here... You're never going to really change... You're gluttonous and slothful and a terrible person...) and more junk food, I made a decision to let it go and start over.

My fledgling meditation practice comes to mind actually. Rather than beat myself up for getting distracted about what I missed on Supernatural last night while meditating and trying to become enlightened, I refocus on my breath, inhale... exhale... repeat. No good comes from berating myself over the past. So rather than get discouraged and give up on living a more balanced, healthy lifestyle I am choosing to refocus.

So, last night I made blackened salmon with a chopped salad (pre-packaged, but no preservatives or weird stuff). It. Was. Amazing. I have a picture, but it does this meal no justice. Obviously, you can pair the salmon with whatever you would like, I am currently craving cabbage, lettuce, and kale like my life depends on it; enter: chopped salad.  

The recipe is super easy and quick:

Ingredients

• 1 teaspoon Paprika
• 1 teaspoon Cayenne Powder 
• 1/2 teaspoon Oregano
• Salt and Pepper to taste
• 1-2 tablespoons Coconut Oil (or whatever cooking oil you like)
• 2 6 oz salmon fillets
• Lemon (optional)

Directions

• Mix paprika, cayenne, oregano, salt, and pepper in small bowl. Transfer to flat surface (cutting board, plate, etc.) 
• Coat flesh side of salmon with seasoning
• Heat a heavy-bottomed pan or cast iron skillet on medium and add the oil. Once oil is smoking shut heat off and add salmon flesh side down
• Turn heat on again and cook on medium for 2-3 minutes.
• Use spatula or tongs to flip fillets to other side and let cook on medium until the skin is crispy (about 5-7 minutes).
• Place salmon on your fancy (or not so fancy) plate, add some lemon zest/juice and serve immediately

That's it! Super easy, delicious, and you don't even feel guilty for the mouth-watering creation you're about to enjoy.

An Exercise In Self-Sabotage: Part Two

Well, I know I promised to share my list and Rat Park construction the day after my original post on said subject, but to be honest, I suck at time management sometimes. And I was a little scared. I do this thing where when I set rules, deadlines, or expectations for myself I almost immediately break them. No sugar -- I will immediately stop at the gas station and get some candy; yoga every day -- how about I make up an excuse or just flat out refuse to do it for two weeks instead; write for fifteen minutes a day -- let's just avoid pen, paper, and anything but Facebook for the next month. I tried to tell you, I am the Queen of Self-Sabotage. I have a crown and everything. Not really. Maybe.

So, here I am almost two weeks later finally working on this exercise. Better late than never I guess!

The habits I will be focusing on are overeating, people-pleasing, and perfectionism

• Step One: Figure Out What's Really Going On (My Play-by-Play)
• Wake-up 0
• Oil-pull and brush my teeth 0
• Try and do yoga for a few minutes 4.5
• Read today's The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie entry 0
• Make green tea w/lemon or hot apple cider mix 0
• Make something for breakfast 2
• Eat breakfast 4
• Do school-work until around lunch time 4 3
• Decide what I want to do for lunch (make something or walk downtown) 5
• Eat lunch based on previous decision 5
• More homework until my husband gets home from work 3 2
• Work on a blog entry? 5 5 
• Try and do some laundry/dishes 4
• Decide what we're going to do for dinner once the husband gets home 7 3
• Make and eat dinner 6 4 4
• Find something to do that we both enjoy 7 5
• Brush teeth 0
• Get ready for bed 0
• Go to sleep 0
• Step Two: Release Yourself from the Cage
• I am going to identify a trigger here as anything over a 5. And the three questions I'll be answering for each are:
• In a perfect life, would I do this at all?
• If yes, what would I change to make it more enjoyable?
• If no, what would I rather do instead?
• Decide what to do for lunch and eating lunch
• Yes
• I could make a basic menu or plan at the beginning of the week and make sure I have options for really delicious stuff at home. I think the stress comes from feeling guilty for going out all the time for lunch, which then makes me want to overeat once I actually do sit down. Then, if what I really want is to get something from downtown, but shame myself into not going I still overeat at home because I'm not satisfied.
• I am going to allow myself to plan for two lunches a week downtown guilt-free
• Blog
• No
•  I don't think I would rather do something else instead, my stress comes from feeling like I have to write something. Once I actually start writing I really enjoy the whole process.
• I will not put deadlines or expectations on myself for this blog. I will use this as a therapeutic outlet and step away if I start placing unrealistic or unnecessary pressure on myself. 
• Decide what to do for dinner with my husband and eating with him
• Yes
• This makes me go into crazy people-pleasing mode because he can eat super unhealthy stuff (and really has no interest in anything healthy for that matter) and stay super fit. So I feel like I need to conform to what he wants and then I end up stressed and overeating food I wouldn't have made for myself
• I can get a list of meals he enjoys and make them a couple of times a week (3 maybe) while giving myself more healthy options. The other days I will commit to making things that are nutritionally dense and give him the option of partaking or not.
• Finding something to do for the rest of the night that we both want to do
• Yes
• I think even in a perfect world two people will have to plan and agree on how to spend time together, at least some of the time. 
• The problem arises in this situation because I have a tendency to forfeit my needs, wants, and self in order to make him happy. Not because he expects that from me, but because I am co-dependent and have always done this.
• Again, having a plan and options available would make this much less stressful for me. We could sit down at the beginning of the week and come up with a few options of things we both want to do individually and commit to trying to fit those things in during the week. This way, neither of us is giving up everything or forced to make all of the decisions.
• Step Three: Build Your Rat Park
• I sort broke each issue down already in the previous steps, so I'll just recap here:
• I am going to allow myself to plan for two lunches a week downtown guilt-free
• I will not put deadlines or expectations on myself for this blog. I will use this as a therapeutic outlet and step away if I start placing unrealistic or unnecessary pressure on myself. 
• I can get a list of meals he enjoys and make them a couple of times a week (3 maybe) while giving myself more healthy options. The other days I will commit to making things that are nutritionally dense and give him the option of partaking or not.
• Sit down at the beginning of the week and come up with a few options of things we both want to do individually and commit to trying to fit those things in during the week. This way, neither of us is giving up everything or forced to make all of the decisions.

So, there you have it! I have to say, deciding to go to school full-time, and reducing my expenses to a extremely bare minimum has allowed me so much freedom and inadvertently removed triggers I probably wasn't aware of before now. I am so grateful for where I'm at in my life right now.

I would love to hear about any breakthroughs you might have experienced working through this exercise!

An Exercise In Self-Sabotage

Ladies and gentlemen, I am the queen of self-sabotage. If there is a way for me to be happy I will find it, do it for a hot minute, and then find anything within in my power to destroy said happiness and joy.And extends to all aspects of my life: relationships, work, school, health. And my subconscious is very good at making me think I'm doing everything I can to NOT sabotage. To be happy. To eat the right foods, say the right things, keep the right attitude...

This past year has especially highlighted my self-sabotaging behavior and actually enabled me to recognize recurring patterns and beliefs to support my wallowing in dissatisfaction and constant feelings of failure. That sounds dramatic. I'm a bit dramatic, secretly, on the inside. Don't tell anyone.

I stumbled upon an article this week in the February 2014 issue of O Magazine titled "May We Help You?: I Know I Shouldn't, But..." and low and behold, it's all about recognizing ways that we self-sabotage and prevent ourselves from breaking the bad habits we have, no matter how focused and determined we are to create better habits and happiness in our lives. Insert: light shining down from heaven on this perfectly timed and placed article!

The article describes an experiment conducted by Canadian psychologist and professor Bruce Alexander who was studying the extremely addictive capabilities of heroin and other drugs. Like many other scientific studies, rats were frequently used to observe the effects of drugs, and the poor little rats were not immune to the devastating addictive behavior associated with heroin, routinely choosing opiate laced water over plain water in previous studies.

Then, Bruce Alexander noticed something that no one else had stopped to consider: maybe, the rats (who in all previous studies were in isolated cages) were lonely. Maybe the drugs were a distraction from this loneliness and environment that was so inadequate in fulfilling a rat's natural needs. Genius, in my opinion!

So, Alexander and his colleagues created what they called Rat Park -- a clean, large enclosure with plenty of fresh wood-shavings and other rats to interact with -- and provided a choice sugar water laced with morphine or plain water. Surprisingly (or not, perhaps) the majority of these rats chose the plain water!

This leads to a few fun questions: Are you living in an isolated cage of your own design? If so, what would be your equivalent of Rat Park? How can you create your own Rat Park?

Lucky for me (and you hopefully) Martha Beck, the author of this wonderful little article, has an exercise to help answer those questions (and more).

• Step One: Figure Out What's Really Going On
• You will need about thirty minutes, something to record your thoughts (pen, paper, computer, tablet, etc.), and a quiet space
• List everything you plan to do tomorrow, and I mean everything: wake up, pee, brush teeth, make breakfast, world peace, dinner before six, early bedtime...
• Now, think about that habit you can't seem to kick: overeating, overspending, staying up too late, nagging your significant other, not exercising, vegging out watching TV or on the internet...
• I bet you're feeling a bit tense and stressed, that's ok. Take a deep breath and stay with me here
• Now read your list over again. Visualize yourself doing each activity and notice how strongly you feel the need to engage in the bad habit or self-sabotaging behavior. 
• Rate each activity from 0-10: 0 meaning you don't feel the urge to engage in the bad habit and 10 meaning you feel overwhelmingly compelled to run headfirst into that habit
• Step Two: Release Yourself from the Cage
• Congratulations! You have successfully identified some of your self-sabotaging triggers!
• Now, apply these three questions to each of the triggers on your list:
• In a perfect life, would I do this at all?
• If yes, what would I change to make it more enjoyable?
• If no, what would I rather do instead
• Let's get weird with this! Really dream big. The answers to these questions are not some binding contract you are making with yourself. Really give yourself time to explore what gets you excited about life, without stuffing yourself into that isolate cage we talked about earlier.
• Step Three: Build Your Rat Park
• Almost done -- well, sort of. Now it's time to start taking action. Not to fear! We are going to make teeny tiny changes until each dream we came up with in step two comes into focus and creates the foundation for our very own Rat Park!
• Break each dream down into bite-size changes that don't feel so scary, i.e.: instead of quitting your soul-sucking job right off the bat, see if you can do more work from home (or just away from the office), commit to waking up five minutes earlier in the morning each week until you have enough time to start an exercise routine, meditation or yoga practice, or just pack your lunch in the morning.

I am actually super excited about this because, let's face it, I'm a nerd that loves homework. I love lists, systems, programs, order. They make me feel official and grown-up. So this is my homework tonight. I will make my list and rate it and share the results tomorrow. 

Changing Gears: Let's Get Excited!

My posts have been really heavy so far, and although I think they were necessary, I want this space to reflect where I am now. Right now I am in my favorite city (that I've been to so far), building a house on five acres, going to school full-time, helping other women get motivated to go to the gym for a little extra cash, and in general really enjoying myself.

The past few months were really difficult in so many ways, but I am already seeing amazing things blooming from those struggles. I am living with my husband again, and although it is still a work-in-progress, we are generally happy. Our lives have been simplified in so many ways and it is allowing us to spend time together and relearn why we loved each other in the first place. This summer forced me to learn how to depend on myself. To look inward for my happiness, worth, and comfort. To find what really brings me joy and makes me feel alive. And although the circumstances were not ideal, I am so grateful for what I have learned about myself and the skills I have developed.

A few things that really stick out are:

• really committing time to my home yoga practice
• journaling
• cooking from scratch
• finding out what makes me feel healthy and strong
• learning how to let go

I am a bit bogged down with homework at the moment, but I definitely want to spend some time writing about all of those things and more! 

All I can say right now is that I feel like I am finally really working toward my dream life, I feel happy and alive, and I am excited in general. I know that life can be really hard and terrible things happen to us and because of our own choices, but I am learning first-hand that true growth comes from the struggles. We can all find our way out of the dark, one small step at a time. 

Defining Honesty

I have a bit of an obsession with defining words, ideas, expectations, boundaries, etc. So I want to start this blog off by exploring what honesty means in the context of my life and this blog. 

Honesty to me is a process of constantly meeting ourselves where we are - right now - with an attitude of openness and love in a quest to seek out truth and accept reality as it really is at that moment. It is a pathway to understanding, acceptance, and growth.

I do not believe in "brutal honesty." Honesty and truth should never be wielded as a weapon. If our intention is to hurt someone (or and especially ourselves), prove we are right or better, or force someone else out of our perception of their denial we are not really seeking honesty. Our interaction with ourselves and the world around us will be clouded with negative emotions, which in my opinion does not allow true honesty to exist.

Understanding, learning, curiosity should be the driving forces behind our search. 

In the past I have approached honesty in every negative way imaginable. Snooping, blaming, condemning, denial, minimizing. None of these tactics ever lead to true acceptance, understanding or growth, but instead further broke down trust in others and in myself.

I have been with my husband for nearly ten years, three and half of which we have been married. We met in high school, and not surprisingly went through multiple break ups before getting married. Due to my own insecurities and fears, both of our immaturity and inexperience, and his poor choices I found myself in a compulsive pattern of snooping through his personal belongings.

This pattern has nearly destroyed our relationship, and never, not once has brought me truth, understanding, growth; much less, any degree of peace or security in myself or my marriage. Yet, every time I sat down at his computer with shaking hands and my heart pounding out of my chest I was convinced I was in the right. I was going to find the truth one way or another even if that meant completely disregarding any semblance of privacy, and destroying my own self-worth in the process. I would dig and dig until I found some sort of "evidence" to prove that he couldn't be trusted. In the end I was left feeling ashamed, empty, and completely alone and unloved. And very rarely because I actually found anything of any real consequence, but more so because of my own behavior.

Flash-forward to now, and I have learned so much by exploring my own behavior and motives. I have chosen to focus on the only thing I have control over, myself and my actions. What I've learned so far is the "truth" I was actually seeking was to find ways to support several beliefs that I am now choosing to approach with openness rather than judgement:

• that I am unloveable
• that everyone will eventually disappoint me and hurt me
• that ultimately I am broken, and will consequently never be enough

Now, I am gathering the skills to first recognize that these beliefs exist, then to question whether they are true and serving me in a way that is helpful and useful at this point in my life. Rather than blaming my husband and attacking him with my skewed idea of the truth I am now turning towards myself in an effort to understand my own beliefs and find ways to become the person I want to be right now

. 

What does honesty mean to you? How have you used honesty in the past and how has that affected you and your relationships?

Awkward Introductions

If there is anything I hate in this world it is probably a blank page. I always wanted to be bursting at the seams with creativity. Overflowing with life-changing creations. Making something new and beautiful. Unfortunately, blank white space nearly sends me into a full-fledged panic. Naturally, I have avoided creating anything. Ever. 

I used to draw, paint, write poetry and songs, spend hours on an old keyboard or strumming on an acoustic guitar I didn't know how to tune, take pictures... but somewhere in my late teens it all came to a halting stop. Somewhere this fear developed. My ideas were unworthy of expression. I subscribed to a belief that there is a "right" way to be creative. A "right" kind of beauty. I devalued myself, my ideas of beauty, love, and everything else. I lost myself before ever giving myself the opportunity to find who I am, what I want, love, find beautiful.

So, here we are in this little corner of the internet. Due to some very difficult years, sprinkled with terrible choices, small glimpses of happiness, and long stretches of disconnection and overwhelming sadness, I am at a crossroads. I can choose to keep doing the same things I've been doing or I can choose to seek progress by being honest in all things. I am choosing honesty because the fog I have been living is choking any chance at happiness. 

In sharing my journey in attempting to find myself, explore my beliefs, and learn to express my idea of beauty I hope to help anyone who stumbles on this blog know they are not alone. Maybe we can learn how to navigate this world together in a more honest, loving, and open way.

I believe that we can all find happiness. We can all question our beliefs and the stories we tell ourselves. Most importantly, I believe we are never alone and that sharing our pain, insecurities, mistakes, and trials is the only way to rid ourselves of shame. To shine light on the darkness that surrounds us, and feels so real and thick that we might drown. In spite of the struggles I am going through at this stage in my life, I am optimistic and I hope that this blog will help to keep that optimism burning and be a place to document progress without expectations of perfection.