The past two months have flipped every belief I had about myself, life, and other people upside down. Although I am facing multiple challenges right now, loneliness has been especially difficult. The problem is that I'm not talking about a surface level loneliness. This can't be fixed with friends, or family, or dates.
When I break everything down, this loneliness is in knowing that I abandoned myself. The past ten years of my life have been consumed with trying to become what I thought other's wanted. I have clung to other people's passions, dreams, and beliefs because I was too afraid to own anything as mine. It was easier to follow my ex into whatever project he was obsessed with that week. It was easier to subscribe to his religion. It was easier to focus on my failing marriage rather than face the fact that I had no idea who I was or what I wanted out of life. It was easier to find purpose in trying to control what I had no control over than accept responsibility for myself.
Now, I am alone and I have no idea who I am. I am alone when I am with or without others. I try to distract myself with new people, projects, books, exercise... but eventually I get quiet and can't avoid that I feel hollow. That nothing except time is going to fix this. That all I can do is keep waking up, even when it feels like a waste.
