100 Questions Day 1: Where Is My Heart Guiding Me?

100 Questions That Will Transform Your Life

I am going to answer one question every day for the next 100 days. I have been feeling spiritually disconnected and trying to keep myself busy in an attempt to not feel “unproductive.” Really, I have been terrified of the next two months bringing up feelings that I have no interest in feeling.

So here goes Day 1:

Where is my Heart guiding me?

My mind keeps pulling me in a million different directions: “You need a ‘real’ job.” “Go to school full-time.” “What will people think if you get a job at a coffee shop?” “What have you done with your life?” “If I don’t move closer to J, this will fall apart.”

But when I let myself get quiet for just a second, I start getting a pretty clear vision of what my heart wants:

I love my apartment. I love the area I live in. I love learning and digging into school. I love my coffee shops and local food and bookstores. I want to get involved in my community. I want to develop real relationships. I want some roots. For the first time in my life, I really feel like I am tired of running.  I have worked hard, even if it feels like I’m starting from scratch now. I gave my marriage every portion of myself until there was nothing left to give. I worked and went to school and did whatever I needed to do to support myself.  

It is ok for me to have a season of rest. To slow down. To fill myself with good, and joy, and happiness, and all of the things that provide nectar for my soul.

I want to get a job that doesn’t suck my life force away, but allows me to buy nourishing foods, go see movies, and start horseback riding and going to yoga classes. I want to actually learn while going to school. I want to spend meaningful time with J and nourish our relationship, while still nourishing myself. I want to spend time with my niece and nephews and family in meaningful ways. I want be involved in my church because it fills me up and I want to give back the overflow. I want take walks, go hiking, and fall asleep at the beach. I want to start saving money for my future family.

My heart and God have been patiently whispering these things to me in my stillness. As my eyes get heavy at night and I can’t distract myself anymore. I am terrified of taking care of myself and allowing myself to be happy, But my mom said something to me today that really made me stop: “A beat you down for 10 years, are you going to take his place?”

Hell. No.