I have a tendency to minimize myself in every way possible. I want to take up less space literally and figuratively. A tendency to temper my intelligence, humor, opinions, beliefs, expectations... for fear of making others feel challenged or less-than. I shrug off recognition and praise and pass them to the person standing next to me. There is a cyclical fear churning inside me of not being enough and being too much, and it has led to a disconnection and systematic denial of my own skills and talents.
This past year has been a journey of rediscovering myself; sometimes intentionally, but more frequently through painful lessons and acts of surrender. The process has uncovered a few things I think, as uncomfortable as it feels to say, may be some of my skills/talents like singing, writing, drawing: I am not the best by any means in any of these things, but I am good at them, and they bring me joy. Recently though, I rediscovered a part of myself that feels huge. As if I had a key to my core or soul or whatever we want to call it, and I suddenly remembered that this place could be unlocked.
As far back as I can remember I have had the tendency to be acutely aware of and feel the suffering of others and in the world me. I was a child who truly felt everything. I hated for my siblings to be punished or disciplined (even with good reason) because I wanted to protect them from all pain and discomfort. Characters in books and stories became three-dimensional and I would cry for them in their struggles. Watching embarrassing comedies has always been difficult because I feel the embarrassment, but also the shame.
Then, the past ten years of my life were spent being told that my emotions were not to be trusted or valued. That I was irrational and my empathy was a source of weakness. I learned to suppress my emotions and feelings and shrank into myself. I put on a mask of apathy and cold logic until I became totally disconnected from the girl who cried over putting salt on a slug at 18-years-old.
While having a conversation with was my dad I suddenly felt overcome with sadness for the state of the world. I found myself choking back tears for the Syrian refugees. For the anger and rage and violence filling so many people. For how disconnected we are in a time where we have access to the whole world. It took everything inside of me to not burst into tears. All I could think to do was how sad and isolated we have become, and how desensitized to human pain and suffering our culture is today. I felt stupid at first with a million tapes running through my head: "You're being ridiculous. Stop being so emotional. Pull yourself together. You're just being dramatic.."
The truth is, it felt like coming home. Like I finally opened the door to a part of myself that I had kept locked away and hidden. And that I protected this part of myself from all of the darkness and grime that I was swimming through because I understood the importance of empathy and connection. I understood on a visceral level that this was an essential part of who I am as a person and my purpose in this world, and it needed to be preserved. And it came crashing back and I feel like I found myself. That I have been wandering in the dark and realized I had the flashlight in my backpack the whole time.
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