100 Questions Day 4: What is my personal blind spot; what have I been unwilling to look at?

My personal blind spot for many years has been my unwillingness to accept my actual role in my dysfunctional relationships and my tendency to lay all blame on the other person in those relationships. In coming to understand that my previous relationship was emotionally abusive I felt immediately justified and validated in so many ways. For the first time I realized that I wasn't crazy. Someone I wanted desperately to trust had systematically broken down my worth and ability to trust myself, my feelings, my intuition, and my ability to reason and think logically. He created situations that forced me to question everything about myself until I was sure that I was unworthy of love or basic respect. He used my moments of vulnerability and honesty as ammunition and weapons against me later to prove his superiority. Sex and intimacy were used as tools for power and control. I was the keeper of his secrets and shame. I was in a very real way victimized by someone I loved. To be honest, it felt so good to have a trained professional look me in the eye and tell me that what I experienced for so many years was abusive behavior. It was so important in my ability to begin my process of healing and moving forward.

Accepting my role as a victim of abuse was just the beginning. What was especially difficult to face was that I actively handed over my power in many ways to A. That my own lack of skills and emotional health helped feed into the cycle of co-dependency. What is always difficult to accept is my behavior that I am responsible for without taking on responsibility for things I do not own. The truth is that he was emotionally abusive, but in some ways it felt easier for me. I didn't have to be responsible for my own dreams, wants or needs. There was a very real part of me that was happy to latch onto what he demanded because it felt less risky. It felt safe at first because it would be his failure ultimately. I didn't have to admit that I was miserable and unfulfilled. I didn't have to take responsibility for digging into who I am and truly understand what I needed and wanted from life. Instead, I poured myself into him. I handed over everything to him because it felt easier.

In fairness, there are many things that contributed to  me giving away my power. There are always reason we do the things we do, no matter how small or big the transgression. In fact, I have a really good understanding of the "why." I am not interested in that at this point. I am interested in reconciling where I come from and the choices I make right now. I am interested in taking responsibility for my role in my life in an honest way. Not as a martyr taking on the weight of everyone else's behavior or a victim at the mercy of the universe with no power. In order to build a life that is authentic and healthy I need to understand my role in dysfunction. It was really hard to swallow at first, but I am grateful for the awareness. It feels good to let someone else "take the lead" for me; I like placing the pressure on someone else when I am honest. I needed to face this character flaw in order to see where it can lead me if left unchecked.